


Moving Forward

by Donovanspen



Series: Walk Through the Valley [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Frustrated Dean, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Cas recovers from his injuries, Dean and Sam try to convince the angel to stay with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Forward

Dean tried to stretch his numb arm without disrupting the man lying against his shoulder. He’d been asleep for about thirty minutes now, but Dean wanted him to get the rest when he could. He certainly needed it. Cas had taken so many hits in the past few days, and Dean was worried at the toll it was obviously taking on him. It wasn’t Castiel’s first time in a hospital, but it was the first time that Dean was there to witness it. 

He was pretty tired himself. Now that he knew that Cas would recover and that he was at least getting through to him, he could feel the tension of the past week catching up and hitting him like a freight train. Since Cas was pressed up against him, and he was reluctant to disturb him, he decided to close his eyes and take a quick rest. 

He wasn’t sure how long he was out when he heard someone calling his name. Recognizing Sam’s voice, he cracked open an eye and saw his younger brother standing beside the bed, doing his best not to smile. He was still tired so he let his eye drift back shut even though now that he was mostly awake, his body was registering just how uncomfortable he was sitting like this. 

“Dean,” Sam whispered again. “We need to talk.”

Knowing Sam wouldn’t have bothered him if it wasn’t important, Dean set about trying to extricate himself from the sleeping angel. It wasn’t as hard as he had thought it would be. Must be the combination of exhaustion and drugs keeping him asleep. 

Rubbing his eyes, he followed Sam out into the hall. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Yet. I’m guessing it went well?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. He didn’t really say anything, but I could tell it got to him.”

“Good,” Sam nodded. “How soon do you think we can move him?”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “Dude, he hasn’t even been here twenty-four hours and you want to smuggle him out the door? You said nothing’s wrong.”

“And it’s not. But I’d rather play it safe. Do you know if he’s full on human yet?”

“No.”

“Well, if the pattern of the last few days hold, he’ll regain some strength as he rests up. How are we going to explain the miraculous angelic healing when the doctor says he has cuts almost all over the front of his body?”

He hadn’t thought about that. He had been so worried about the future that he had neglected the here and now. “Guess we could ask him when he wakes up.”

“And he’s…better?” Sam hedged.

Dean knew what he was asking and as much as he wanted the answer to be ‘yes’, he really didn’t know. 

     

 

 

It was another hour before Cas woke up. His color was still wrong but an improvement over the unnatural paleness from last night. The pinched expression on his face told Dean that he was still feeling the discomfort of his injuries, despite the pain medication.

Now that he was awake, Cas was back to being non-talkative and almost non-responsive. Brief nods and short one-word answers were all that he was contributing to the conversation. 

“Cas, do you think you’re strong enough to travel? We figure you’re going to start healing on your own, and we’d rather not be here when that happens. I’ve already planted the seed with the doctors that you aren’t safe here due to the case we’re on, but we won’t go if you’re not ready.”

“I’m fine to travel, Sam. However, I’m not convinced that I should accompany you and Dean.”

He really shouldn’t have been surprised, but still, he guessed it made sense. Yesterday, Cas had actually prayed to have his life taken so it was understandable that he wouldn’t do a complete turnaround in less than twenty-four hours, no matter how heartfelt Dean’s words had been.

“Cas,” he sighed. “We’ve been through this. You’re coming with us.”

The angel shot him a nasty look and then flat out refused. 

Sam jumped in before it could escalate. “Well, we can’t force you, but I’m sure that Dean has told you that we’d like for you to be with us. The choice is yours, but have you considered what can happen? From what we gathered from Joshua last night, you prayed to end your life.”

Whoa, Sam, Dean thought. No more kid gloves, huh. Apparently, Cas thought the same thing, judging by his wide, surprised eyes. 

“If you don’t care about yourself, have you at least considered what can happen if someone is able to take advantage of your weakened state? From what I understand, you’re in the process of turning human. Does this mean that you can be possessed? You’re still an angel but considerably weaker. What kind of blood magic can be done with angel blood?”

Dean was beginning to wonder if he should jump in. Sam was bringing up excellent points and all were valid, even if he was only saying it to guilt Cas. And it was working. Dean could see it in the angel’s eyes, how he wanted to deny the truth but deep down knew he couldn’t. Sam must have also seen this and went in for the kill shot.

“What about your enemies, Cas? Crowley and Meg are both still out there. I believe Joshua is running interference on the angelic front, but you have certainly burned some bridges. And while you may not care if they find you, they will most likely attempt to find you through us: Dean, Bobby, and myself. You’ve aligned yourself with us in the past; it just makes sense. We’re better off together.”

Cas looked as if he was going to be sick. He opened his mouth but no words came out. Dean watched as he subtly tightened his hold on the rabbit, and he knew right then that Cas would agree to go with them. Apparently, guilt was a very powerful motivator.

“Very well. I shall accompany you, but only until I have regained my strength.”

“Why don’t we just wait and see how it plays out?” Dean suggested. Immediately, he knew that came out wrong. He saw the hurt flicker in Cas’ eyes before he had a chance to look away. “I mean, it’s like Sam said. We want you with us. As long as it’s working, there’s no need to even think about leaving.”

Cas only gave a tiny shrug in response to Dean, already seeming to close in on himself again. Not wanting to push his luck, Dean decided to leave well enough alone for now. 

“I’m going to stretch my legs. Do you need anything, Cas? Hungry?”

He gave a slight shake of his head and continued to stare at the wall. 

“It’s something, Dean,” Sam commented once they were back out in the hallway. “He’s got a lot to process. Give him time.”

“Yeah. I guess.” His brother was right. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

“I’m going to get us checked out and start the ball rolling. I’ll meet you back here in a couple of hours.”       

 

Almost four hours had passed before Sam finally returned. 

“Dude, what the hell?”

“I had stuff to do. Why? Did something happen?” Sam asked, shifting a small blue backpack on his shoulder. 

“No. Nothing other than the nurses trying to treat him like a normal patient. If we don’t get him out of here by tonight, they’re talking feeding tube and catheter. And I swear I heard one of them mention psychological trauma and that maybe they should call someone in instead of waiting around for us,” he grumbled. “And it’s not like Cas is trying to help us out. Stubborn bastard wouldn’t even take a couple bites to get rid of them.”

“I know he’s going to recover from this, but he’s looking pretty rough, Dean. And if he’s going to throw up like he usually does, can’t say I blame him for not eating.”

“Fine. Then you explain things when Cas smites the shit out of someone who tries to stick a catheter up his….”

“All right, Dean,” Sam snapped, effectively cutting off Dean’s soon to be colorful and explicit description. “I’ve got everything so we’re good.”

“What the hell took so long?”

“Bobby is laid up in a motel room in Oklahoma waiting for us, so it took me a little longer to get the paperwork looking good. Plus, Cas didn’t have anything that he could wear so I had to go shopping.”

Dean shot a glance at the backpack. “Dude, you went through his stuff?”

“Kind of had to, and stop acting like you wouldn’t have. Kind of surprised you haven’t already.”

“Didn’t have time,” he tossed over his shoulder as he pushed the door open to Cas’ room. 

The angel was lying slightly on his side, facing away from the door. Dean had tried to get him to watch television, but every time he had looked over at him, his eyes were staring straight ahead, unfocused. He did manage to take another small nap, and Dean had left to go to the cafeteria. When he returned, Cas was thrashing about in another nightmare. Dean had woken him before he’d become too agitated and after that, Cas had been even more sullen and withdrawn, if at all possible.

“Hey, Cas. You ready to blow this joint?”

Sam handed him the backpack. “I’m going to go handle the paperwork and staff. You got this?”

Dean gave a hard eye to the man lying still on the bed. “Yeah, we’re good.”

He set the backpack on the bed and unzipped it. It looked like Sam had covered all the bases. An oversized t-shirt, black sweatpants, boxers, socks and some funky-looking slipper-type shoes. They reminded Dean of shoes he had seen patients wear at nursing homes. Guess that’s the point they were at now.

“Come on, Cas. Let’s get you ready to go.” Dean watched as he turned over ever so slowly. He shook off the mental image of Cas lying bloodied on the ground. That was over. Cas was here now, and not in any serious danger. Hell, he’d seen him wounded worse than this. But the poor guy still looked as if he was suffering.

“Maybe we can get you one more hit of the good stuff before we leave.” He reached forward to try to help him into a sitting position, but he had no idea where it was safe to touch. His forearms were covered in small cuts and his hands were bandaged. 

“No,” he hissed, maneuvering himself until he was sitting on the side of the bed. His breathing was harsh and ragged as he tried to steady himself. “I don’t like how it makes me feel.”

“Fair enough. There is some other stuff that won’t make you as loopy, but it’ll take the edge off.” He hovered, unsure of what to do next. Cas seemed to be trying to make a go of it, and he certainly wanted to encourage that spirit. But realistically, he didn’t think he could do this on his own. Noticing the resigned look on the angel’s face, Dean figured he had come to the same conclusion.

“Ok, first things first. Any chance you gotta go take a leak before we get started?”

Cas shot him a look that was a mixture of confusion and frustration.

“Do you gotta take a piss?” he clarified with a huff.

“No.” He reached for the boxers, the movement slow and painstaking. 

He reached over and took the undergarment from him. “Just bear with me,” he muttered. “I used to help my dad whenever he got too banged up on hunts.” He figured this would go easier if he stopped making small talk and just focused on helping him get dressed. He reached behind Cas and untied the hospital gown, easing it off his shoulders. He was going to let it pool across his lap until he got the shirt on, but he was so astonished by the number of cuts and bruises on Cas’ torso that he ended up pulling the gown away so he could see the extent of the damage.

“Protection spell my ass! Did you even try to fight her?" Dean took a breath when he saw Cas flinch away from him. “No, it’s …let’s just get you dressed.”

No wonder Cas appeared to be in so much pain. His entire front side was littered with lacerations, some shallow nicks but plenty of deep, angry red ones. About a fourth of them had required stitches. Judging from the number of cuts near the groin, Cas had been well on his way to possibly being another castration victim.

The shirt was large enough that he was able to ease it on without much effort on Cas’ part. The pants were a different story. He put on the socks next and then slid the boxers onto his legs. He encouraged Cas to lean on him and stand up so he could slide the boxers up. After several attempts to keep Cas steady on his feet, Dean finally got the underwear on. But that small effort had taken all of Cas’ energy. He was beginning to perspire and lean heavily against Dean. 

“Ok, back to bed for you.” He eased him back and got him lying down again. “Breathe through it,” he suggested, giving Cas time to settle down. He picked up the sweatpants and started working them up his legs, taking care to try to not aggravate his injuries.

“All right, can you lift your hips for me? Easy. Almost there. Good. You done good,” he told him. By the time he had Cas completely dressed, the angel was breathing heavily and his face was scrunched up in pain. “Ok, those other pills, I mentioned; definitely a go.”

Letting Cas rest, he tracked down Sam and informed him that they could still get him out of there, but they were going to need a wheelchair and a fully stocked first aid kit. They had both traveled with injuries before so he knew it could be done, but he still wanted to go easy on the guy. 

 

They were on the road in about an hour, Sam driving Bobby’s car, and Dean and Cas in the Impala. He had given Cas some milder over the counter painkillers a few minutes before they attempted to move him. He still seemed so uncomfortable that Sam had finally made the decision to pick him up and place him in the wheelchair.

They set him up in the backseat, trying to make him as comfortable as possible with pillows and blankets. He was quiet, but Dean hadn’t honestly expected him to talk very much, if at all. He was hoping that this was like the past week. If Cas got enough rest, then maybe he would heal faster.      They arrived at the motel shortly after dark. From what Dean could tell when he glanced over the seat, Cas had barely moved. The drive hadn’t been long enough for him to think that the angel had regained any significant amount of strength, and he didn’t want to move him just to shuffle him around, especially after he had seemed so tortured back in the hospital. 

“Hey, Cas. You just stay put, and I’m gonna go talk to Bobby. Once we get everything set for the night, I’ll come get you. That way we don’t have to move you too much.”

Bobby was definitely a sight for sore eyes. The last time Dean saw him was right after his attack.

“Glad to see you up and moving,” he said, ignoring Bobby’s eye roll as he gave him a hug. “All parts still connected and working?”

“Yeah, and that’s the last we talk of that,” Bobby warned, giving him an extra hearty thump on the back. “’Bout time you remembered that you left me stewing in a motel another state away.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. Cas thought you’d be safer away from the action.” He saw Bobby and Sam exchange a quick glance and knew that it was time for the talk.

“Heard you had some extra help on this one,” Bobby stated, jumping right in.

Dean watched as he eased himself back into the motel room’s only armchair. Looked like Bobby still needed to go a bit slow after his encounter with the hacking slashing goddess. 

“We did,” he agreed, pulling out a chair from the table and taking a seat so that he was looking directly at Bobby. “Is that going to be a problem?” He did his best to keep his voice neutral even though he knew that the words could be taken as challenging. He wasn’t ready to let Cas go, for any reason, but he also wanted the old hunter’s blessing. 

“Don’t know. You tell me. Last time we saw him, he was kind of going down the maniacal and vengeful God route.”

“Actually,” Dean corrected. “That wasn’t the last time. He came back and fixed Sam.”

“And didn’t stick around.”

“No, but….”

“And never looked back, either.”

“No, he didn’t Bobby, and believe me, I’m pissed about that also. But it’s not like we really gave him a reason to look back. It’s not perfect. There are still things we need to work out, but when we needed him, Bobby, he came through for us.”

“Yeah, he did. But Dean, he’s not some stray dog off the street that you can bring home. He’s wild. He’s not human, despite whatever is happening to him now. He’s an angel. He’s hard-wired differently. And no matter how much time he spends with us, no matter what he transforms into, he was still created as an angel, and he will always fall back on that default programming. Are you honestly telling me that you think you can always stay one step ahead of Castiel? That he hasn’t done things that you would find absolutely reprehensible? You know what he wants you to know, boy, and that’s it.”

Bobby’s words were hitting home and cutting deep. He looked over at Sam who only gave him a shrug that said Bobby was making good points. And damn it, Dean knew that he was. He wasn’t saying anything that Dean hadn’t already thought himself. But Bobby didn’t know everything.

“I hear ya, Bobby. I really do. When I mind-tripped through Cas’ head, I saw a lot, things that I haven’t told you guys and probably never will. So, yeah, he’s done some stuff. But he saw me in Hell, and he knows the things I’ve done. And don’t tell me that’s different,” he put up his hand to forestall their protests. “I’ve walked that line as a human also. If it’ll protect my family, then yes, I’ll do what I have to do.”

“Everything you said was true, Bobby. And I haven’t forgotten anything. I’m so angry right now, so pissed that he chose this route and put us all on this road without ever talking to us. I know why he did it, but I’m still pissed. Screwing with Sam?” he huffed out a breath. “I don’t even know where to start with that one. If it were anyone else, I would have gutted him for that. But we lost him once, Bobby. And then this past week, I almost watched him die in front of me. Again. I don’t want to lose him. He’s a part of this. He’s our family, Bobby, and, I uh, if this isn’t something you can deal with right now, that’s fine. I’ll stay with him and we’ll just see how it goes. But I can’t walk away. Please don’t ask me to do that.”

He felt raw. He hadn’t meant to say that much, but neither Bobby or Sam was saying anything, and he had to make sure that Bobby knew that he was committed to Cas. 

“Dean, are you sure?”

“Yes,” he replied, meeting his surrogate father’s steady gaze.

“Ok then. Might want to go get him out of the car.”

Dean opened his mouth but words escaped him. “Huh?”

“Got get him,” Bobby repeated.

“Just like that? What the hell was that interrogation for if you were just going to give in?”

“It was for you, idjit. You’ve got blinders on when it comes to that angel, and I just wanted to make sure that you knew what you were in for. You can’t go into this all hearts and roses.”

Dean nodded, surprised but grateful. “And you’re ok with this?”

“He’s family,” Bobby shrugged. “We take care of our own.”

Dean nodded and swallowed, not trusting himself to speak just yet.

“I’ll go get another room,” Sam offered. “Dean, do you need help getting him in? It looks like it’s raining again.”

“Man, what is it with the weather lately? Go ahead and get the room. If he’s moving slow, you should be done by the time we’re ready.”

He opened the room door and was glad to see that it was only a slight drizzling rain. He pulled the car keys from his pocket and went over the passenger side door. “Cas,” he called out, wanting to give him a heads up in case he’d nodded off again.

Panic shot through his system and his stomach lurched when he opened the back door and saw that the car was empty. “Sam! He’s gone!”

Together they scanned the area, searched around the vehicle and looked for any possible trace of the angel. 

“All right.” Dean stormed back into the room. “We need to make a list of everything that could have taken him. No way that goddess could have come back that fast.”

“Angels,” Bobby suggested. 

Dean thought for a moment and then shook his head. “They told me that he was off limits. I think the plan is for him to ride out this entire human thing. It has to be something else.”

“I think it was him.”

“What?” Dean spun around to where Sam was leaning against the wall.

“The doors were still locked. There wasn’t any obvious sign of a struggle. No traces of anything supernatural around the car. The car is warded. Dean, if Cas is gone, it’s because he wanted to be gone.”

It made sense. It was the most logical explanation and most likely the correct one. Just not the one that Dean wanted to hear. Not after everything they had been through in the past few days. And damn it, Cas had agreed to stay.

“Why would he leave? Did you guys force him to come along?” Bobby asked.

“We didn’t force,” Sam hedged. “More like very strongly persuaded.”

“It’s not like that,” Dean argued, seeing the look on Bobby’s face. “We told him why it was better if he was here with us, and he agreed.”

“Conditionally.”

“What?”

“Dean, he said that he would stay until he healed.”

“Sam, you saw him. No way he’s healed up completely.”

“Well enough to leave on this own, though,” Bobby interjected.

“Yeah, and I guarantee you, wherever he is, he’s hurting like hell right now. Bobby, that thing tore him up. And his angelic batteries are running low right now.”

“Low but not drained, Dean. I think he heard you and Bobby talking.”

The minute Sam said it, he knew it was true. He didn’t know how he knew; he just did. 

“All right then, he couldn’t have gotten far. Let’s go. Bobby, just in case we’re way off base, keep an eye out.”

 

 

They each took a vehicle and headed in different directions. Cas was fairly crafty and could definitely use the cover of darkness and the dismal weather to his advantage. He almost felt guilty for thinking it, but Dean was hoping that his injuries would slow him down just enough for him to catch up to him. 

Their motel was off the beaten path, but it wasn’t completely isolated. Sam headed towards the more populated areas, intending to pop into restaurants and gas stations and see if they’d seen anything. Dean was heading for the more open spaces. Seriously, how far could he go? A few hours ago, he could barely stand. With that thought in mind, he slowed down and began giving the shadows an extra look. And when he saw the sign for the turn-off for the church about 2 miles down the road, he knew that’s exactly where he went.

“Damn, Cas. You must have used up all your reserves to make it this far,” he muttered. He pulled into the grassy yard, his headlights the only illumination. He couldn’t see anything. Not wanting any unwanted attention, he cut the engine and turned off the lights, grabbing a flashlight instead. He checked out the building and found it still locked. He knew that Cas couldn’t have had the energy to try to muscle his way in, so he checked around back. The building was secure so that left the small cemetery. There weren’t any buildings around, just small headstones. He scanned the yard, looking for anything. He finally saw it in the back corner of the lot. A small secluded area of bushes and low hanging branches. He made his way over, cautious, just in case. When he got close enough for the light to shine through, he could see Cas huddled in the small pocket, soaking wet and shaking. 

“I could so kick your ass right now. Cas, it’s me. Come on, buddy. Playtime is over.”

Cas didn’t give any indication of hearing Dean. He figured it must be shock at this point. The space was small and he didn’t see any other way to get him out of there other than to drag him out, and he was pretty sure that wasn’t going to be good for his injuries. 

“Cas!” he tried again. “This isn’t working. Whatever you were thinking, it’s not working. So either help me get you out from under there, or so help me, I’ll drag you out. I’m wet, tired, and beyond pissed so you might want to get your ass in gear.”

As he crouched down into position, he promised himself that when Cas was well, he was definitely getting even with him for all the crap that he was putting him through now. Love and family was one thing, but it didn’t give you a season pass on stupid. His clothes were clinging to him in an uncomfortable way and branches were scraping across his back, making his mood all that much more sour. 

Once he got close enough to get a firm grip on the angel, he could see that Cas was staring back at him. His expression was a mixture of pain and anguish. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Cas looking vulnerable and scared, but each time hit him like a sucker punch. 

“All right, man. We need to go. Sam and Bobby are getting worried.”

Cas began to shake his head. “Bobby,” he started.

“Is going to be more pissed the longer you stay out here. If you’re going to listen in on conversations, stay for the whole thing. We were talking things out. I told you that there were going to be some rough times ahead. You bailed on one conversation where we actually all freakin’ agreed that we wanted you around.”

Cas continued shaking his head as if he couldn’t actually believe what Dean was telling him. He didn’t fight him, though, as Dean managed to get a grip around his waist and pull him out from under the shelter of the low branches.

Dean tried his best to get him back to the car without causing him further pain, but at this point, it was impossible. Dean could see that Cas was doing his best to hold in his cries and not give in to the hurt, but in the end it proved too much and the angel fell unconscious. Dean figured that was probably for the best.

He called Sam and gave him the heads up and headed back to the room. Cas was still out when he pulled up into the parking space. Sam pulled in a second later and was on hand to help him inside. 

Sam and Bobby worked together to get the wet clothes off of him and to get him settled onto the bed while Dean went into the bathroom to change into dry clothes.

“Damn,” Bobby whispered when he saw the number of cuts on Cas’ body.

“Dean, I had no idea it was this bad,” Sam told him as he came back into the room.

“Yeah, well, I think his little excursion made it worse. Some of the stitches popped. He was in a muddy cemetery. We’ll need to clean and disinfect all of them.”

“That’s going to hurt like a son of a bitch,” Sam told him, already pulling the required items out of the first aid kit.

“Yeah, but we don’t know if he can get sick. Better to not start his human days behind the eight ball.”

Dean had hoped he would stay unconscious until the worst of it was over, but he didn’t. He came around after they applied antiseptic to the first wound. He had awoken with a cry, but after that he hadn’t made a sound save for the tiniest of whimpers that had most likely escaped against his will. Dean kept a close eye on his face, watching for any indication that it was too much. Cas kept his gaze on the ceiling, never looking directly at any of them, just giving them jerky nods whenever they asked a question.

“Ok, they’re all clean,” he announced as he finished the last one. “Wish I could say we’re done, but we’re going to need to restitch a few.”

“Go ahead.”

“In a minute. Sam.”

His brother knew what he needed and walked over with a syringe. 

“All right, Cas. We’re gonna give you a dose before we get started.” Dean held up his hand so that he could see the syringe.

“No.”

“Cas, we’re not doing this without it. Telling you about it is just a courtesy.”

He sighed and looked away, but Dean watched him as his hand fisted into the bedcovers. He waited another few seconds until he saw Cas give a quick nod. Sam must have seen it, too, because he went ahead and administered the shot. 

He gathered the materials that he needed while he waited for the drugs to kick in. 

“You got this?” Sam asked. “I don’t mind.”

“Nah, that’s all right. It’s just a couple of them.” He felt that he needed to be the one to see this through. Cas was his responsibility. Maybe it was because of their ‘profound bond’. Or it could have been that Cas had appealed directly to Dean, and he had refused to stand behind him. Whatever it was, he needed to show Cas as well as himself that he would see things through.

He took a look at Cas eyes before he got started, verifying that the drugs had kicked in. Once he saw the slightly dazed look, he knew that he could proceed. It didn’t take him long to repair the damage that Cas’ little excursion had caused. He probably could have done this without giving him anything stronger than otc meds, but he was tired of hurting Cas today. 

Deciding to give the wounds space to breathe, he opted to not dress him but instead just got him under the sheets. Now that Cas was back, safe and sound, with another crisis averted, exhaustion hit him full force. Every limb felt weighed down and cumbersome. Sam and Bobby had felt the same way and had left for the other room.

“Man, Cas. You are high maintenance. Why the hell are you giving me such a hard time?” he muttered.

“Because,” he slurred, “every time I follow my feelings, I get hurt.”

“What?” he froze. He’d thought Cas was too stoned to even realize that he’d been talking to him.

“Angels aren’t supposed to feel. I’m not supposed to be this way. Is wrong. Uriel was right. Bad things happen when you start feeling.”

Dean was tired but not so much so that he didn’t realize the opportunity in front of him. Yes, it was dishonest and underhanded, but no way was Cas going to tell him on his own. And he did just spend a couple of days agonizing over this being with slim little gratitude or appreciation. 

“How do you feel, Cas?”

“Strange.”

“How strange?” he prodded.

“Like I’m flying, but I can’t move. I don’t like it.”

“It’s just the meds,” he reassured him. “What did you mean about bad things happening?”

Cas turned to look at him but then his eyes drifted back towards the ceiling. “What?”

“You just said that Uriel was right and bad things happen when you feel.”

“Angels don’t feel like humans. We can’t. We have to be absolute. There is a balance. We cannot have favorites. I did. I listened to you when I should have followed orders.”

“Cas, they were going to start the apocalypse. You don’t think that was the right thing, do you?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he replied, starting to sound a bit grumpy as well as tired. “I’m not supposed to have a thought on that matter. That is the point. I did and I got blown up. Twice. My angelic nature wars against the humanity you want me to have. We could have prevented Lucifer from finding his true vessel by killing Sam, but he was my friend. I risked so many lives to save the ones of those I loved. I existed for thousands of years and served my Father well, was in one accord with my brothers. And then I met you, and I indulged in my feelings for you. Now, I no longer have a home. I am not welcome in Heaven. I am an abomination. And despite all that, my first instinct is to reach out to you.”

“Really? Because it kind of seems like you’ve been running in the other direction.”

“Bad things happen when I feel. So I won’t.”

It was a simple statement, but it left Dean reeling. It reminded him of a child refusing to go to bed or eat dinner. And maybe that’s all it really was. Cas was thousands of years old but so young in this situation. And stubborn. But at least he knew why he was throwing up roadblocks.

“Are we done? I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Yeah, we’re done,” Dean answered, more tired now than he was before. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before he heard Cas’ soft snores. Satisfied that he was staying put for a while, he climbed into the room’s other bed and fell asleep.       

 

He felt marginally better when he woke up the next morning. Needing some fresh air, he went out and grabbed some breakfast. Ordering enough for everyone, he returned to the room to see that Cas was awake. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

Cas only grunted in reply. He still seemed a bit groggy so Dean went ahead and ate his breakfast to give him time to come fully awake. After eating, he checked on the wounds. Satisfied that nothing looked worse, he replaced the sheet and sat on the side of the bed. 

“So, Cas, anything you want to say this morning?”

Even with the extra time, the angel still appeared grouchy and disoriented. “No.”

“Figures. So, nothing you want to say about your little disappearing act, making us go track you down in the rain, bring you back here and patch you up?” 

Cas finally looked directly at Dean, his gaze locking onto his. “I did it for you.”

“No you didn’t,” he snapped, shutting down that excuse right away. “We may not have always seen eye to eye, but I never pegged you as a coward. We’re not ok. I know it, and you know it. There’s too much between us. The difference, though, is that I care enough to try to make it work. You don’t.”

“I don’t belong here." 

“Save it, Cas. I know, remember? I’ve been in your head. And you are surprisingly chatty when you’re drugged. So whatever you’re trying to tell yourself to make this all better, it’s not going to work.”

“I didn’t…” he swallowed and tried again. “This is not...I never....”

“I know. Look around, Cas. We’re all here. It’s not perfect, but you’re not even giving it a chance. I’m a big boy. Stop trying to protect me. Ok?”

Cas nodded, but Dean knew that nothing had been fixed. It was just another step forward, hopefully, in another day of many to come.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own anything related to Supernatural. Just having fun writing stories.


End file.
